Spokesperson for Cyberdyne Systems who developed the servers for all the major dating apps like Tinder, Grinder, Cougar Catch and Anchors Oh Hay!, said this morning that rumors of a major fire in their server compound are confirmed. “Seventeen firetrucks and an air unit were brought in to handle the blaze,” Miles Bennett Dyson said. Fortunately only minor injuries were reported, and those were in the customer service department who handled the complaints from angry female customers who said their app wasn’t working and demanded to confirm their swipe in hopes to secure a date for Valentine’s Day. Reps have claimed tinnitus after all the shouting.
Dyson said around 5pm Thursday evening they noticed a trend of new profile pictures uploading. Images of young men in stunning uniforms, mostly in areas near southern California and Jacksonville, NC. “Our servers can handle the uploads no problem, we had prepared for an increase in use for Valentine’s Day. We even installed new liquid nitrogen cooling systems, T-1000 Cyberdyne model can handle significantly more than the outdated T-800.”
The problem, he later said, was that we hadn’t expected such a massive influx of “Right Swipes”. The server has an artificial intelligence like software code with interprets photos and allocates computing power for photos of a higher probability of positive response. “We’ve seen men in uniform before, and they generally do well. But, these were all Marines in Dress Blues. The system couldn’t predict what happened next.”
The server core reached a critical temperature point where it became liquid metal. “Luckily before the blaze could engulf the entire building, fire fighter John Connor hit the Halon system and froze the core with liquid nitrogen at which point his mom, also a fire fighter, shot the core with a pump action combat shotgun causing it to completely shatter. “A little much” Dyson stated. “Years of research are lost” Connor’s mom had been reported as tweeting several times she doesn’t like dating as apps and believes there’s “No fate, but what me make”
Marines who showed initiative and got on the app early had secured dates already for tonight. The rest, well, better luck next year.